Military Humour.......

Indian Military Veterans

Military Humour........

The Adm Inspection.

By

AK Ahlawat, 

30 May 2022

The big rat was sitting on the roof beam of the langar and eating the poorie it had stolen from the large aluminium paraat.It would nibble rapidly at the hard poorie and ocassionally look down at the langar cook,a brown wiry Mahrattha who ocassionally stirred the big aluminium pateela in which daal for the Headquarter Battery was cooking.

The Battery Havildar Major (BHM), had told him earlier in the day that the Brigade Commander Sahib might come to have a look at the Langar. It was the day of the Regiment's Annual Administrative Inspection.The wet keekar log in the hearth burnt ineffectively.  Smoke that was rising lay in a cloud next to the clogged wire mesh of the langar chimney.

Naik Baji Rao lifted his VIP sandow vest and wiped the sweat off his face,then he carefully upstroked his fierce moustaches. It's funny how, in the Indian Army, the most gallant moustaches are to be found amongst its cooks and masaalchees. He was thinking that nobody ever came to inspect the Headquarter Battery Langar. And on that premise he put the looming issue out of his mind. He  squatted on his haunches to have a look at the fire mouth of the choolha.The wet keekar branch had again started billowing out gray vaporous smoke.

Earlier in the morning, the Brigade Commander had been at the Regiment's parade in the dry sandy football field that had a small raised pedestal on one side. The pipe band entered playing the Regimental March, "Deshon Kaa Sartaaj Bharat. "The Parade was led by a youngish Major with a gawky, unwilling, marching step. When he approached the saluting dais and saw the Brigade Commander in his bemedalled uniform, he forgot to give the generic word of command "Squad Dahiney Dekh or Eyes Right."

Ddhumm, ddhumm, dhumm, went the base drum and the rioting Bagpipes droned like angry  bees.The Major sahib on whose young inexperienced shoulders had fallen the blow of getting the Regiments Adm Inspection done, kept trudging on, oblivious.... The Subedar Major who was marching behind him saw that Officiating (often pronounced as half-shitting), CO sahib was having a nervous breakdown, from which the idiom, "sitty pitty guull honaa" comes to mind.

"Psst, psst, sahib Commander sahab ko salute karo,"  whispered the portly Subedar Major who had the  Rum cum Belly associated with his exalted rank and position in the hierarchy of the 67 th Field Regiment of Artillery.

The officer jerked to a state of wakefulness and gave a squeaky voiced word of command "Squad Daahiney Dekhh," which sounded like a cry of a wailing widow. It barely reached the front row of the marching men. He jerked his head  right and saw that he was well past the saluting dais. Nevertheless, he believed in the dictum that something is always better than nothing.So the marching column did a harum scarum eyes right and the three eye see, Major Ram Sevak saluted .

The Brigadier stood fuming at the bedreggaled march past of the Regiment but was willing to overlook the blunder. Somethings are not in man's hands. The Regiments Commanding Officer had, had a heart attack and was in Army Hospital Delhi undergoing a bypass surgery. The two eye see (2ic) promptly reported sick and got admitted in Military Hospital when the Adm Inspn dates were received by the unit. It fell on the 3iC, (third in command/seniority), to get the Regiments adm inspn done.

Maj Ram Sevak was a short service officer and a reluctant gunner, with his eyes set upon qualifying the UP civil services written exam. His dream was to become SDM (Sub Divisional Magistrate) of Barabanki  or some such mofussil tehsil in his home province.

 The march past done, the Brigadier said that he would come for the unit round after breakfast. It was the month of june and the year was 1980. Dharangdhra is a dry hot place and the temperature soars upwards like a NASA rocket the moment the sun is out. He wanted to get over with the inspection while the heat was still tolerable.

In the Headquarter Battery Langar, Naik Cook Baji Rao squatted in front of the choolha. He cursed the Battery Quartermaster Havildar, who could never arrange dry firewood. He took  up the hollow blow pipe (Fooknee) and started blowing well directed jets of air on the smoky end of the log.

The rat on the rafter would cock his ears every few minutes and hear, and then satisfied that all was well,  returned to nibbling the poorie he had stolen. It saw Baji Rao blowing into the pipe that was stuck to his mouth. It's gimlet eyes shined and the circular pod of his ears heard a distant footfall. The rat stopped munching and paid attention to the approaching noises.Right below him the hapless cook waged war at the mouth of the hearth unsuccessfully.

The jaali (mesh), door of the langar squeaked as Brigadier Killjoy Messtin pushed it with his cane.The Inspecting officer looked at the smoke choked langar and rubbed his eyes.The heat was already intolerable and he reminded himself silently, that he should lay off from Peter Scot in the evenings.He spied the hunched and sweating form of the cook on all fours underneath the huge aluminium pan.

"What are you cooking my good man?" he asked loudly.

Baji Rao got startled and jumped up with the blow pipe still in his hands.He wore a look of astonished stupefication at the apparition that had entered silently into his world.

"Ji saab ji aaj masoor ki daal bann rahi hai."

"Lets have a look then."

The Brigadier moved forward and pushed back the lid of the pan with his swagger stick. A cloud of vapour escaped upwards and as it touched the ceiling. The king rat jumped on the head of the Inspecting Officer. It slithered down from the peak cap, down his back and jumped down and escaped into a drain.

"Bloody Hell, what the hell is this? You have rats jumping from the ceiling!!!"

And that was how 67 Field Regt, (Mahratthas) became temporarily unfit for war that year!

Xxx.  The End xxx